i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
