I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
