The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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