My liver just broke up with me...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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