I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think i peed on brittanys purse
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
