Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
