matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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