I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
