Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
