I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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