HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
