I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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