Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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