My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
How naked do you want me to be?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
