how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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