DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
