Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Randomize
