Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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