im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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