hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
