"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
