Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
