Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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