Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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