Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
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Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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