You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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