If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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