the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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