Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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