I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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