What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
