Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
