first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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