so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
