p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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