I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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