I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
