i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
