**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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