You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
