party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
