I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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