we're blogging at a bar
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
