He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
