So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
