You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
