I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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