Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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