I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
from now on my penis is your penis
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I deserve to be covered in dicks
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
