My liver just broke up with me...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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