They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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