My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
