Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
