smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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